I was going to open this entry up by saying "Lots of thoughts on my mind, like always" and then I realized...wait...if I always have lots of thoughts on my mind, then why do I have to start an entry telling everyone this? Well, I guess I don't. But I just did. Hurm.
Anyway,
I've been finding myself thinking about a lot of things and wanting to get them off my chest. Well, not really get them off my chest as much as just throw the idea out there and talk it through with someone. Unfortnately, I've fallen out of contact with a lot of my friends. In fact, when I call pretty much any of my friends in the ATL area I feel like I'm intruding on their new lives. They have spouses, real-world jobs, and lives that don't involve me. I feel kinda left behind in the single college-student scene. I know they would protest, but their problems are so different than mine now, I feel like I got stuck in the past.
It's hard when you have thoughts you're ashamed of but can't get out of your mind. Even things that are incredibly ridiculous and no one would care...the shame that I even think of them makes me not want to share it...regardless of the validity of my thoughts. I used to have some friends where i felt comfortable sharing this stuff...where I didn't feel judged....where I could tell people things in confidence and they genuinely cared and wouldn't bat an eye or tell a soul. What happened? I guess that's all part of growing up.
I hurt for my family who is dealing with how to deal with my grandfather. I hurt for my grandfather.
I really appreciate my parents. I'm not sure I could give my children the same kind of awesome upbringing that I really appreciate like they did.
I have days where I'm comfortable with who I am and days where I regret every decision I've made. Ha, how bi-polar sounding.
I made both an A on my final paper in that class I had to rewrite the paper in as well as an A in the class. This makes me quite happy. Although part of me wonders if I just got it out of pity.
I've spent the past 10 years studying French and I still don't think I've got it all down. I feel kinda like a failure.
I seem to write a lot of posts in bullet-points. That's relaly how my mind works, though.
Last week I had two different verses that randomly popped into my head. It's weird, I have been horrible at memorizing verses since forever. But these just popped into my head out of nowhere while I was trying to fall asleep. The first was "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." (Mark 12:28-30) and I have since forgotten the second. I've got lots of thoughts brewing about these two verses, maybe one day i'll get them out for the world to hear.
The path of least resistance. This concept confuses me. I understand it by definition, but the practical implications of it both in this world and outside make me confused. Kinda like being who you are but also changing what's wrong with you. Perhaps something again to address another day.
I've got a lot more but I'm self-conscious about putting them on the internet. (How dumb am I?)
Besides, this is so long no one is going to read it anyway.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Oh yeah? Well, take that!
Lots of thoughts running through my head. Some good. Some bad. Some not easily placeable into such indescript categories as "good" and "bad".
The past week was ridiculously busy as far as school goes. I had a test, a presentation, a paper, various homeworks, and loads of grading and teaching-related stress. It's over (for the most part) though, now. So that's good.
I found out my favourite radio station back home is no longer in existance. Apparently no one likes alternative/rock music in Atlanta anymore but the Top 40, Rap, and R&B are, of course, amazingly popular. Bum. They really were a good station--locally owned, played a good mix of music, and gave a lot of new bands a chance when no one else would. I guess it really doesn't matter much since I don't live there anymore. But they were a large part of my (musical) life from 1998 to 2007. Ah well.
I feel like I'm changing in Gainesville, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I don't think I like it though.
I'd give anything for a good D&M right now, for realz.
Every once in a while my thoughts wander off to old friends I've lost--well not lost, but extremely diminished--contact with. What happened?
Winter is no longer here in Florida. We're back to 70+ degree weather. RIP Winter of '07-'08.
The past week was ridiculously busy as far as school goes. I had a test, a presentation, a paper, various homeworks, and loads of grading and teaching-related stress. It's over (for the most part) though, now. So that's good.
I found out my favourite radio station back home is no longer in existance. Apparently no one likes alternative/rock music in Atlanta anymore but the Top 40, Rap, and R&B are, of course, amazingly popular. Bum. They really were a good station--locally owned, played a good mix of music, and gave a lot of new bands a chance when no one else would. I guess it really doesn't matter much since I don't live there anymore. But they were a large part of my (musical) life from 1998 to 2007. Ah well.
I feel like I'm changing in Gainesville, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I don't think I like it though.
I'd give anything for a good D&M right now, for realz.
Every once in a while my thoughts wander off to old friends I've lost--well not lost, but extremely diminished--contact with. What happened?
Winter is no longer here in Florida. We're back to 70+ degree weather. RIP Winter of '07-'08.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
EmailCapsules.com
I received an e-mail today. It read the following:
I remember when I wrote this. A year ago, I found this website that allows you to send an e-mail to anyone else on a specific date/time in the future.
It's crazy how things have changed.
Dear Future Version of Me,
on today you were bored. yup. what a surprise. You are not sure whether you want to go to Graduate School or if you want to teach. You are a bit stressed about teaching at Rome High but you are even more stressed about your Education Portfolio and even MORE stressed about Thesis work. It\'s crazy.
Written at Mon Jan 22, 2007
I remember when I wrote this. A year ago, I found this website that allows you to send an e-mail to anyone else on a specific date/time in the future.
It's crazy how things have changed.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Randomness on a Spoon
There's a lot of things going through my mind. Not all of which will end up in this late-night blog entry because I have neither the time nor the energy nor the mental capacity to expel all of those tonight.
...
I had a good talk with Drew last Friday. We spent pretty much from 3 til 7:30 just talking about all sorts of stuff. Girls and God, mainly. The two G's. He made some good comments and he's just genuinely fun to hang out with. I hope I get to know that guy even better while I'm here.
...
Talking with Drew made me realize two things: I love my Gainesville people, but I really do miss my guys back home. Also...I think there are a few things I'm pretty much never going to get over and just going to have to live with. So, I guess I should get over getting over them. Ridiculous.
...
There is way more drama in Gainesville than I realized. I thought we left drama behind in middle school. I don't remember Berry being this dramatic.
...
My life should be less of an open book.
...
I need to learn the art of shutting up and talking less.
...
I am an adult now, it's about time I start acting like one.
...
I am not artsy, nor am I sporty, I fit in with neither crowd. Sweet. I'm going to make my own crowd called "People similar to or vaguely wanting to hang out with Matt"
...
The past may be over, but it can haunt you forever. It's still an irrevocable part of who you are. It has helped mold you into the person that you are today.
...
I am a flawed individual. I have come to terms with this. But is it the flaws that make me unique in who I am, or should I try and replace these flaws and fix them with something that is deemed more conducive to living (and loving) well.
...
If I am open and honest with others, I'd like to hope that others will be open and honest with me. It would make things a lot easier, in my mind...but getting us all on the same level is difficult (impossible?) and just ends up hurting people.
...
Sometimes I think things are difficult, but then I realize I am really doing fine compared to others so I shouldn't complain...and then I realize that the comparison doesn't make things seem that much easier, now I just feel bad about complaining.
...
I had a good talk with Drew last Friday. We spent pretty much from 3 til 7:30 just talking about all sorts of stuff. Girls and God, mainly. The two G's. He made some good comments and he's just genuinely fun to hang out with. I hope I get to know that guy even better while I'm here.
...
Talking with Drew made me realize two things: I love my Gainesville people, but I really do miss my guys back home. Also...I think there are a few things I'm pretty much never going to get over and just going to have to live with. So, I guess I should get over getting over them. Ridiculous.
...
There is way more drama in Gainesville than I realized. I thought we left drama behind in middle school. I don't remember Berry being this dramatic.
...
My life should be less of an open book.
...
I need to learn the art of shutting up and talking less.
...
I am an adult now, it's about time I start acting like one.
...
I am not artsy, nor am I sporty, I fit in with neither crowd. Sweet. I'm going to make my own crowd called "People similar to or vaguely wanting to hang out with Matt"
...
The past may be over, but it can haunt you forever. It's still an irrevocable part of who you are. It has helped mold you into the person that you are today.
...
I am a flawed individual. I have come to terms with this. But is it the flaws that make me unique in who I am, or should I try and replace these flaws and fix them with something that is deemed more conducive to living (and loving) well.
...
If I am open and honest with others, I'd like to hope that others will be open and honest with me. It would make things a lot easier, in my mind...but getting us all on the same level is difficult (impossible?) and just ends up hurting people.
...
Sometimes I think things are difficult, but then I realize I am really doing fine compared to others so I shouldn't complain...and then I realize that the comparison doesn't make things seem that much easier, now I just feel bad about complaining.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
A New Year; A New Me?
It's finally cold in Florida. I love it.
Yesterday was pretty much a wash. In fact, if someone were to ask me what I did on the 2nd, I'm not sure I could tell them. Not because I was drunk out of my mind or in a parallel universe...those two things would have been much more interesting. Instead, I woke up late after going to bed around 6am, did some stuff around the house, played Sim City 4, and went to bed early. How boring.
I suppose it was just a contrast to the entire awesomeness of the previous few days. Friends getting married, seeing old friends, seeing new friends, combining worlds, having a party of nearly 25 people at my house, enjoying hanging out with people, etc. etc. etc.
I'll be ready to have some scheduled goodness when school starts. I'm glad for a break, but I'll be glad to start back up teaching and I guess learning too, lol.
I had way more interesting things to say, but I'm not sure they are completely formulated. So to finish this out, I'll just sum up some of the last year. Sure, it's cliché...but well, whatever.
January: I had a New Year's Eve Party at my parents' house with most of my closest friends from Atlanta. I had sent out all my grad school applications but had no idea where I would be going or what I'd be doing. Micah and Rachel had just gotten officially together and I pretty much just hung out with Jenni because all my other friends had disappeared in their own worlds. Even though I liked hanging out with her, she really messed with my head.
February: I was still teaching high school French and really enjoying it. Got to know Maggie a bit better and planned my trip to Washington State.
March: I don't remember anything important happening. I probably started my thesis and finished off my portfolio. I slowly began to realize that Grad School was my most probable outcome after graduation
April: I spent my second spring break in Washington State. I got to visit Jamie--whom I hadn't seen for about three years--, his girlfriend Meghan, and Maggie. I had an awesome time, but found out that neither Nintendo nor UW wanted me. My dreams of living in Seattle were squashed. I still love the PNW though. I also came back from Washington really enjoying my time with Maggie and we eventually decided that, if things work out, we could hopefully get to know each other better and start dating. I also made the final decision to move to Gainesville and go to UF
May: Things between Jenni and I got more and more estranged--our friendship was getting weird. Totally confused by her "I act like I like you but I say that I don't" attitude, I started acting like a jerk to try and get her to stop (it made much more sense in my head). I finally graduated and finished with my Berry life forever. Justin and Rebecca got married. And I was OK with the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with Jenni again. Maggie and I discussed me coming up to the midwest to hang out with her and her family.
June: Becca and Cole got married. The first out of my closest friends to get married. I continued to work at my dad's place. I also became a homeowner.
July: I found a roommate for my house. I moved all of my stuff into my house and my dad's car got broken into and had a bunch of important stuff stolen. I went on a little mini-vacation to the Smoky Mountains with my family and then went up to Iowa and Nebraska with Maggie's family. I had a good time up there, but it caused some problems with Maggie's and my relationship.
August: I came back from the midwest with Maggie and we spent some time painting my apartment and hanging out. Eventually our relationship came to an end and she moved off to Miami. It was weird being in a new place and not being able to share all the new thoughts with anyone. Micah was busy with either work or Rachel stuff, Drew and Nicole were getting ready to get married, Michael and Kat are always hard to get a hold of, I really wasn't talking to Jenni anymore, and I had just broken up with Maggie and she wasn't talking to me anymore.
September: I got used to Grad School...and decided I hated it. I got used to the Gainesville crowd though and I am so very blessed to have them around. I did a lot of apologizing and forgiving.
October: Drew and Nicole got married. It was awesome. I got to hang out with some amazing people and see some amazing people get married. It was generally amazing. I also got a mini road trip going up to Kentucky to see them. It was awesome. I also realized I had to suck it up and finish at least this semester....regardless of how much I hated Grad School. I learned that Autumn in Florida sucks. Micah and Rachel started having problems but Micah and I started to renew our relationship. As much as we had our problems at the end of college, I really love that guy.
November: I got to really feel a lot more "in" this group in Gainesville. Had some rough patches in Grad School, but started to get through it. Had Thanksgiving with the family in Saint Pete and got to see UF beat FSU and UW lose to WSU....all in all, not a bad month, though.
December: Finished the first semester of grad school without totally failing, like I almost thought I would. Got to spend some time with the family, see two of the most awesome people get married, and spend some time with old friends that I love and adore. My parents got robbed (*shakes angry fist and says a few choice words*) and I had an awesome New Year's Party.
Goals for next year: Get better at talking with God, Have a more positive outlook on Grad School, Travel more, Love.
November:
Yesterday was pretty much a wash. In fact, if someone were to ask me what I did on the 2nd, I'm not sure I could tell them. Not because I was drunk out of my mind or in a parallel universe...those two things would have been much more interesting. Instead, I woke up late after going to bed around 6am, did some stuff around the house, played Sim City 4, and went to bed early. How boring.
I suppose it was just a contrast to the entire awesomeness of the previous few days. Friends getting married, seeing old friends, seeing new friends, combining worlds, having a party of nearly 25 people at my house, enjoying hanging out with people, etc. etc. etc.
I'll be ready to have some scheduled goodness when school starts. I'm glad for a break, but I'll be glad to start back up teaching and I guess learning too, lol.
I had way more interesting things to say, but I'm not sure they are completely formulated. So to finish this out, I'll just sum up some of the last year. Sure, it's cliché...but well, whatever.
January: I had a New Year's Eve Party at my parents' house with most of my closest friends from Atlanta. I had sent out all my grad school applications but had no idea where I would be going or what I'd be doing. Micah and Rachel had just gotten officially together and I pretty much just hung out with Jenni because all my other friends had disappeared in their own worlds. Even though I liked hanging out with her, she really messed with my head.
February: I was still teaching high school French and really enjoying it. Got to know Maggie a bit better and planned my trip to Washington State.
March: I don't remember anything important happening. I probably started my thesis and finished off my portfolio. I slowly began to realize that Grad School was my most probable outcome after graduation
April: I spent my second spring break in Washington State. I got to visit Jamie--whom I hadn't seen for about three years--, his girlfriend Meghan, and Maggie. I had an awesome time, but found out that neither Nintendo nor UW wanted me. My dreams of living in Seattle were squashed. I still love the PNW though. I also came back from Washington really enjoying my time with Maggie and we eventually decided that, if things work out, we could hopefully get to know each other better and start dating. I also made the final decision to move to Gainesville and go to UF
May: Things between Jenni and I got more and more estranged--our friendship was getting weird. Totally confused by her "I act like I like you but I say that I don't" attitude, I started acting like a jerk to try and get her to stop (it made much more sense in my head). I finally graduated and finished with my Berry life forever. Justin and Rebecca got married. And I was OK with the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with Jenni again. Maggie and I discussed me coming up to the midwest to hang out with her and her family.
June: Becca and Cole got married. The first out of my closest friends to get married. I continued to work at my dad's place. I also became a homeowner.
July: I found a roommate for my house. I moved all of my stuff into my house and my dad's car got broken into and had a bunch of important stuff stolen. I went on a little mini-vacation to the Smoky Mountains with my family and then went up to Iowa and Nebraska with Maggie's family. I had a good time up there, but it caused some problems with Maggie's and my relationship.
August: I came back from the midwest with Maggie and we spent some time painting my apartment and hanging out. Eventually our relationship came to an end and she moved off to Miami. It was weird being in a new place and not being able to share all the new thoughts with anyone. Micah was busy with either work or Rachel stuff, Drew and Nicole were getting ready to get married, Michael and Kat are always hard to get a hold of, I really wasn't talking to Jenni anymore, and I had just broken up with Maggie and she wasn't talking to me anymore.
September: I got used to Grad School...and decided I hated it. I got used to the Gainesville crowd though and I am so very blessed to have them around. I did a lot of apologizing and forgiving.
October: Drew and Nicole got married. It was awesome. I got to hang out with some amazing people and see some amazing people get married. It was generally amazing. I also got a mini road trip going up to Kentucky to see them. It was awesome. I also realized I had to suck it up and finish at least this semester....regardless of how much I hated Grad School. I learned that Autumn in Florida sucks. Micah and Rachel started having problems but Micah and I started to renew our relationship. As much as we had our problems at the end of college, I really love that guy.
November: I got to really feel a lot more "in" this group in Gainesville. Had some rough patches in Grad School, but started to get through it. Had Thanksgiving with the family in Saint Pete and got to see UF beat FSU and UW lose to WSU....all in all, not a bad month, though.
December: Finished the first semester of grad school without totally failing, like I almost thought I would. Got to spend some time with the family, see two of the most awesome people get married, and spend some time with old friends that I love and adore. My parents got robbed (*shakes angry fist and says a few choice words*) and I had an awesome New Year's Party.
Goals for next year: Get better at talking with God, Have a more positive outlook on Grad School, Travel more, Love.
November:
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