It messes with my head

There's been something on my mind recently--as in the past two months or so--and I've never really been able to put it down into words. I guess now's as good a time as ever.


I don't care about the poor.


Now, please don't get me wrong. I don't mean that I despise poor people and I wish they would all die a fiery death. Nor would I immediately kick one of them in the shin if someone came up to me and said "I'm poor!" That's now what I mean at all. Let me (try to) explain...

I have so many friends who have a heart for the poor, the homeless, the afflicted--so to speak. I hear their desires to clothe the naked, feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, and generally aid the poor and downtrod. I am in awe of their desires, sometimes so strong, full of so much sympathy for these people. I have friends who go off to far away countries to bring help to the "Third World". I have friends who do incredible work in inner-cities for those underprivileged that are in our own backyards. I have friends who have great ideas and ambitions and love and hope and passion for these people.

And I find myself asking myself, What's wrong with me? Why don't I have this same passion? Should I?

I've heard and read so much about how as a follower of Jesus Christ we're supposed to love everyone and help the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc. etc. I can have verses cited to me all day long, but I don't know. Maybe I'm messed up? Maybe I just don't get it? Maybe things haven't clicked yet (or never will)? But I don't have this passion. It's not what I care about and I'm left here wondering if I should be fighting this, if the fact that I am surrounded by so many friends and acquaintances with this passion that maybe I am supposed to have a similar passion?

But maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm just surounded by an inordinate number of people who care about the poor. Maybe that's not supposed to be something passionate for me. But then, this could be construed as moral/ethical relativism....

I don't know.

I actually came out of this post more confused than I went in and I don't think I got to clearly say what I really feel. Words never do justice.

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On a different note, I felt like I just needed a day to reconnect with God. It was just and me and God day....at least, that's what it was supposed to be...it didn't really turn out anything like I wanted it to be. Kind of depressing actually...but not in a way that is easily expressed in words.

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I have a lot of other thoughts running through my head, but I think I'll just leave them in there.....