dis, est-ce que tu dors?

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So...I'm bored.

I've got six more days of nothing to do but pack until I attend my graduation ceremony. I really need to find something productive to do with my time other than watching movies and sleeping. That's all I seem to be doing nowadays.

Check out my deviantArt gallery for some new photos: http://matteo49.deviantart.com

dis, est-ce que tu dors?
si oui, est-ce que tu rêves aussi?
sinon pourquoi tu dors?

--"Oui, non, ou encore?" Louise Attaque

Finito

Yesterday at 4:55PM I turned in my final thesis. The last paper I will ever have to write as an undergraduate.

Crazy.

But very exciting.




So now what?

Countdown: T-9 days and counting.

Halloween 2004 - Clara Bowl - Berry College

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So here we are. I'm sitting here at my desk writing this blog entry just after finishing my final class of my undergraduate career. That's it. No more lectures or note-taking or final exams for me at Berry College. I'm done. I'M DONE!

Man, that feels good.

Granted, I still have to write two more pages of my thesis and run over it all a few times to check for grammar/spelling/dumb mistakes. That's the problem when you write a paper in a foreign language...there are only so many people who can check it for you. Anyway, that's due in approximately twenty-seven hours. That's really all I have left to do, though. Then it's smooth sailing until I graduate on Saturday 5 May.

Wow. It's been a crazy four years: Hippie roommate, new best friends, nerd ball, late night pool, wine and cheese nights, Kufunninupuhs, outdoor movies, treks up to mountain campus, the gallons of coffee, the 'free' lucky charms in d-hall, learning how to follow and break the rules, sleeping on the roof of the chapel, sneaking into buildings, yarning buildings, sophomore pranks, 'coffee' parties, the Irish Pub, the Alley, Racquetball, the double-late-nighter for ESOL, crazy professors, crazy bosses, crazy friends, friends getting engaged, friends getting married, New Jersey, Connecticut, Nebraska, Chattanooga, New York, Seattle, Walla Walla, Paris, Nice, Strasbourg, Benalla, Melbourne, Sydney, Hamilton, Euroa, Spokane, Cheney, Tybee Island, New Orleans, Houston, San Antonio, Saint Petersburg, Bangor, Bar Harbor, Boston, Newport, Allentown, Calais, Toronto, Detroit, Saint Andrews, LAX, PHX, ATL, CDG, IAD, GEG, MEL, SYD, TPA, DTW, SLC, late-night talks, late-night walks, swimming in the reservoir, birthday cookouts, end-of-year dinners, anger, frustration, exams, love, friendship, and so much more. All of that embodies parts of my four years here.

Craziness.

Who knows what the next four years will be like....

Family Disturbance

First of all, my grandfather is awesome.

He's just a really great man. He's one of the most religious and pious men I have ever known. He's one of the most respected figures in my family and one who's opinion--although sometimes not agreed with--is highly respected. He was born soon after World War I, lived through the depression, fought in World War II, started a family, contributed to the Baby Boom, taught numerous years of high school social studies and sunday school, became the proud father of three and grandfather of six, saw a new millenium, saw the passing of his wife, the graduation of three of his grandchildren from high school, the destruction of a house he built with his own hands, and so many more things. He has lived an extraordinary life and is still living even after eighty-six years.

But something has started to bug me recently.

It's not something I thought I would have noticed. It's such a small minute detail...but it bugs me...and I don't know what to do about it.

My grandmother, his wife, died in early 2003 and he has since been in a sort of depression, which is understandable...they had been together for over sixty years. Sixty years of waking up in the same bed, living in the same house, sharing thoughts, becoming practically one person--when grandmother died, it was like a part of him died. But my grandfather continued to love his Heavenly Father and be faithful to the Bridegroom of Christ.

Following the years after my grandmother's death, my grandfather continued into depression and we didn't think he could stay at his house alone anymore. He went to go live with his daughter and her family, who would take care of him. He became more and more sickly both with actual medical problems and some problems that he convinced himself he had and probably--through the incredible power of the brain--might have actually given himself.

I probably didn't notice the small change until maybe about two or three years ago. My grandfather would often pray over family meals when we were there. He began the prayer practically every time with the same sentence without variation. It's a phrase that I've heard so much I probably will remember until I die.

Heavenly Father, we thank you again for this day and for thy love and mercy.

My grandfather uttered this phrase tens of thousands of times in his life, without fail. But a few years ago he began to say "Heavenly Father, we thank you again for this day and for thy love." and that was it. The first time I caught it I looked up to see if maybe he was choking or something had prevented him from saying the next two words I was so accustomed to hearing.

But he just kept going.

He kept going with the rest of the prayer over the meal and I was confused. OK, so maybe once in his lifetime he forgot to put those two words in his prayer. The guy does it all the time, there's bound to be some variation that I just had never noticed.

But it continued. It continued every time that I have ever heard the man pray since. It continued and every time the prayer was uttured across his tight pursed lips I would feel this emptiness...this anticipation...for this line that would never come. It's as if someone had sung the entire National Anthem and ended "Oh say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave, o'er the land of the free." and ended right there not even acknowledgeing that we are the home of the brave. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

And then I think I realized it. This man no longer thinks that God is merciful. He has had such a horrible time these past few years and felt so depressed and sickly and so he no longer feels the need or desire to thank the Lord our God for his mercy that my grandfather no longer sees.

I was floored.

This man who helped raise his children with incredible moral and ethical values based upon the teachings of Jesus Christ, this man who--every sunday--would teach a sunday school class on different parts of the Bible for decades, this man who baptized me, this man who has been the patriarch and cornerstone of our family no longer believes that God is merciful.

It really saddens me...it's a big blow.

And I don't know what I can do about it.

So I'm twenty-two...now what?

So, picking up from where I left off, my birthday was not super awesome...but it's not because of any particular person. It's mainly because of all of this busy work-so-much-because-you-want-to-graduate life. I wasn't able to plan a fun thing for everyone to come hang out...we just all gathered and did some stuff...it was very low-key...but nice. I had to work most of the day though...it really didn't feel very birthday-ish. It did get better as the day went on, though.

Michael did come up and he and I went out to eat at Provino's (where you get a free birthday meal!) where we talked about all sorts of things like future plans, Maggie, my trip to Washington, Kathryn, his upcoming marriage, and a whole bunch of other stuff. It really was awesome getting to hang out with him for more than just a few minutes in passing (which rarely happens as it is). He's definitely someone I'm going to miss dearly when I move to Florida.

We came back and made some sangria and hung out with Drew, Nicole, and Jenni. It was an overall fun evening. Becca came over later but she couldn't stay long...turns out she didn't even remember it was my birthday until halfway through us talking.

I also am really growing fond of Nicole and Drew. I really didn't get to know Nicole until about a year or so ago and I've known Drew since nearly the first day of school but I've really gotten to know him better recently. They also are going to be sorely missed. It looks like they'll be off in Mississippi for a few years.

Anyway, this past week has been full of work and in the few moments that I do have a break I am either sleeping or cleaning. Since I've gotten back from Washington and after going home for Easter I've tried to be cleaner and healthier...so far it's been going alright, but it takes a lot of effort. It's just nice to come home to a clean appartment and to have something healthy to eat instead of nuking something in the microwave and eating it while watching reruns of The Office.

Anyway, I'm almost done with school. Two weeks of actual school left and then just some final touch ups and a few days of relaxation and packing and I'm home free. It feels wonderful to have accomplished something like graduating from college. I've only got a two-page paper, a thesis (10ish pages left), one final exam, and an oral defense of my thesis. And they are all well-spaced out. Also only two more days of student teaching. Horray! It's very exciting. :D:D:D My kids don't want me to leave, but I'm ready to be gone. I'll miss the kids, but I'm tired of the stress.

So yeah, also Maggie got into Miami. Yay. I know she's excited--if not for Miami, just to know where she is going and what she is doing and where God is putting her next year. Too bad she won't be down in this region til about August. Boo. Oh well.

Weekend Blues

So, I'm home for Easter. It's good to be home with family. Unfortunately, it's also kinda crazy being home with family. Since both me and my brother are not living at home anymore because we both go to college, when we're all together my dad and my brother seem to get at each other's throats. It's just an interesting combination of personalities between those two. So, I'm basically just sitting around listening to them argue with each other about things. I want to chalk it up to teenage angst or something...but he just turned nineteen; I would think that he'd be out of that phase by this point in his life. Ah well.

I also was supposed to go watch TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, for those who had a sad childhood without everyone's favourite metamorphisized karate-kicking teen-angst testudines) but it fell through. I'm going to get to watch it on Tuesday though as a sort of "after-birthday" thing with a couple of friends. I've got so much work for this up-coming week too. I really just want to sit back and relax after that wonderful trip in Washington...I really forgot all about school. But now, I've got three weeks to write a thesis on the evolution of the French language; finish off my portfolio that's due Monday (THANK GOD IT WILL BE OVER!); and a Psychology project due 8 days after that that I haven't even thought of starting.

Also, I'm starting to look for a place to live in Gainesville. It's crazy. I think sometime in May I'm going to head down to G'ville to find a condo or something. I'm excited. :D

Also, it's been super cold this weekend here. Seriously, and it's beautiful in Washington where I just left. I think bad weather is following me around or something....Although, it was beautiful and not rainy in Seattle...I guess maybe "opposite of normal" weather follows me around. It even dusted with snow last night. Craziness. Isn't this the first week of April??? Oi.

Drink Coffee: Do Stupid Things Faster With More Energy!

So, I'm back from the Northwest. It was awesome.

I flew over to Phoenix and then up to Spokane to meet Jamie and Nick. I then went to the bustling town of Airway Heights just outside of Spokane where Pastor Paul lives. Pastor Paul and I had some very interesting conversation...he is quite an interesting man with some very...interesting beliefs. Yes, I realise that I used the word interesting a tad too much....but seriously, that's what he is; he is the embodiment of 'interesting'.



I got the grand tour of Spokane which is actually a lot cooler than I realised. I mean, it's not this huge cosmopolitain metropolis, but it's definitely better than some other cities I've been to. It also has some really cool architecture around the town. Went around the Spokane River and got to see the falls and some nature walks and some cool vista points. The next day when Maggie and Meghan were back, we all decided to have a fancy dinner/cocktail party thing. It was good. I got to meet these two ladies that I have heard so much about and just get to hang around with cool people. It was a lot of fun.

The next day we started the road trip to Seattle and stopped on the way at the Lake Wanapum along the Columbia River at this really large Gorge. 'Twas cool. Also got to drive in Seattle and do all the great things there like see the Space Needle, UW, EMP, Eat seafood on the pier, take a ferry ride, try on a Utilikilt, and take vast amounts of photos. I'm also not bitter at all about not going to UW next fall. Nope. Not one bit.

Nope.

Anyway, so that was really cool. I got to get to know these people even better--you learn alot when you spend literally 24 hours of every day with people. And I also got to visit a family that my family has known for ages but hasn't seen in over 15 years. It was great to catch up and just to keep a friendship going.

Later we headed to Walla Walla and I got to see Washington Wine Country (and try it out some too, yum :) ). I also got to meet a cool family--Jim & Debi--and sing in a presbyterian choir. No, I'm not normal, it's understandable. I also got to go to Idaho (woohoo! now, only seven states to go until I've been to all 50!) where I got to chat with Maggie in a little coffee shop in Coeur d'Alêne that was run by this couple from Florida who met on Match.com and who were really nice.

Went back to Cheney and it's deathly coldness...had a good final dinner with everybody and got to see some of the EWU campus while I was there. I really loved the PNW and it's really a shame it's probably going to be a while until I go back there. Although, I'm fairly certain that it's better than I'm going to Florida next year...not because I like Florida better...but because I think that's probably where God wants me at this moment in time.

Anyway, I had an awesome time and am paying for it as I have a LOT of stuff to do and to make up while I was gone. I am going to be working a lot over this Easter weekend. I graduate in exactly one month. It's really freaking insane. But I'm so happy about it. I just have to make sure I cross all my i's and dot my t's so everything goes smoothly and I don't screw up and have to take another semester or something. Oi! Could you imagine? I don't even want to think about it.