When do you stop caring?

OK, so I know that you never really should stop caring, but I can't think of a better way to put it briefly. As we all know, I'm not really a brief person, but the title kind of requires all of my skills in brevity to come alive and work to bring you such masterpeices as "I hate titles" and "Do I have to put a title" and "...".

Anyway, I'm getting off-topic (Can you get off-topic if you haven't even started?). I was thinking about this for a bit and I really don't know the answer. I hear people talking about having "different seasons" in life (which, honestly, I understand and believe, in some extent, the phrase...but it kinda makes me want to gag on a spoon full of cliché every time I hear it...but I'll live) and how sometimes people are in your lives for very short seasons and some for not-so-short seasons.

Well what if you are season-blind? (Or, live in Florida, where you can't tell what season it is?) I'm never really sure when to just give up on a friendship and let the inevitable pull between us take us on our seperate paths or fight for the friendship and keep it alive. Is it worth fighting to get nothing in return when you could have been putting that effort into other friendships that would continue to last and be fruitful? Is it mean/bad/immoral to stop being friends with someone if the relationship bears no fruit? At what point do you give up adding more fertilizer and just let it die on it's own? (Work with me here, I'm a metaphor-type person).

Hurm.

------------

Addendum:

I never used to be bad at making friends. I've moved so much in my life and had to forcefully give up friendships before out of sheer inability to contact. I was good at making friends. My family thinks so, my friends think so, I think so.

What has happened? I never used to be afraid of sharing myself and just being who I was in front of people? What am I afraid of? Rejection? Maybe a little, but not really.

I shouldn't be afraid to be open and honest and who I am. Something must have happened to cause me to change and be afraid. What happened to me?

----

If five-year-old Matt were to see me now, he'd be confused and disappointed.

----

I hate having two varied points in a post that I want to hear feedback on because I generally will only hear a response to one part, if any.

I shouldn't write late at night. Way too honest and way too contemplative.

They don't teach that in school.

I should learn to be happy.

Thoughts of the day.

Lots to do today.

I've got a presentation for my cinema class tomorrow that I have to prepare for. I guess I should watch the movie first. :P

I've got to finish grading the exams for my class and put their grades in.

I've got to get myself organized.

I *must* do laundry today. It is imperative.

I've got to think about a subject matter for my Literature Paper. I think it's going to be about Perec's Les Choses but I'm not sure, we'll see. Maybe Nadja but Surrealism is a bit scary to tackle.

How funny would it be if surrealism was a person that you could tackle. Man, I'd beat down on that geek.

Women are confusing. Which is nothing new. But once you think you are no longer confused by them, they go and pull something confusing on you. I guess they do keep me on my feet though.

God is cool. I need to get to know him better.

This list kinda deviated from it's purpose of what I have to do today to what my thoughts are.

But it's my blog so I can do what I want and you can't stop me.

I had to pay 3 bucks for parking at the St. Augustine's because the stupid commuter lot was full today. Why? who knows. Seriously, parking here sucks. I love public transportation and would use it if it was, you know, convenient and useful. RTS is none of the above.

I need a nap.

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower

I realize this post might sound a little emo. My apologies.


So it's the middle of October, Autumn is in full blow. Well, it should be. I think of October as having a myriad of oranges, reds, golden browns surrounding me, a cold breeze sweeping through and occaisional gusts of wind that give you chills with the days getting cooler and the nights even colder.

There are thoughts of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Midterms, piles of raked-up leaves (ready for jumping in, much to the dismay of he who raked them), coats and sweaters coming out of the closet, college football games, contemplative moments, time with friends and family, and so much more that run through my head and are, for me, an essential part of Autumn.

I think part of the reason I've been feeling so blah recently is that I am not getting Autumn. It's like a part of my natural yearly cycle has been taken from me and I cannot find it. October in Florida is like Summer. Leaves don't change; weather does not get cooler; it's like a perpetual sunny paradise here. I guess that's why people move here and vacation here so often.

I hate it.

I need my four seasons. It's like an actual physical/mental/emotional/spiritual need.



I think I complain about living in Florida a bit too much. But seriously, this is not where I want to be.

This is not where I want to be...

Do I have to create a title?

I'm not tired.


Maybe it's because I had about four cups of coffee only like 7 hours ago.


Maybe it's because I've been waking up pretty late the past couple of days.


Maybe it's because I've got a lot running through my mind.


Hurm.

---

It was good going to small group tonight. It's been a long time since I've had some sort of church-like community to be a part of. I miss it. I also like that I'm getting to know more people here. I feel a little weird, like I'm jumping into someone else's community, but I'm very welcomed. I guess if they don't want me they should be more forceful about it, lol.

---

I've been thinking about some things recently. Well mainly one thing. (Sidenote: I tend to think a lot about things and then once I've gathered my thoughts well enough--or coherently enough--I generally talk about them...but it takes time with me, I guess. I think it's frustrated people in the past, but that's just a part of who I am....) I don't know if I should be thinking about it or leaving it alone. But the thought creeps into my mind from time to time anyway....I'm not sure what to do about it.


If none of that made sense to you, don't worry, I'm not sure it made sense to me. I'm just thinking aloud (thinking on paper? digitally? Well, you get the expression, I hope).

---

I really want to play racquetball. Someone in this town has to play....

Titles are dumb.

I need to get out of here.

I'm thinking that Friday after I teach or Saturday I might just get in the car, pick a road, and go somewhere, maybe pick a beach or something. I haven't been to a beach in over ten years.....

It's not very fun to travel by yourself, but I really just need to get out.

---

I made soup today. It was good.

Unfortunately, it's not soup weather. I miss soup weather. What happened to the cold?

Don't Do "Grad School"

To those of you that responded to my last post, thanks. I don't think any of you wrote comments on here, but I had a few conversations about it which was nice. Not sure what people's aversions to commenting on here are. Whatever.


In other news....


TOTAL CONTRAST from yesterday, here is what I've been doing with my procrastinating recently. Yes, friends, it's that time of year when Matt would rather draw dumb pictures in MS Paint than do anything productive relating to school.


So, let me introduce....me:

Ok, so maybe I embellished a little bit, I'm not that good looking....but hey, it's my blog, so yeah.

This is what happens when Grad School enters your life.

Kids, stay in school....but only until you get your Bachelor's degree...then just say "No!" to Grad School.

Brought to you buy GSADD (Grad Students Against Destructive Decisions)