EmailCapsules.com

I received an e-mail today. It read the following:

Dear Future Version of Me,

on today you were bored. yup. what a surprise. You are not sure whether you want to go to Graduate School or if you want to teach. You are a bit stressed about teaching at Rome High but you are even more stressed about your Education Portfolio and even MORE stressed about Thesis work. It\'s crazy.

Written at Mon Jan 22, 2007

I remember when I wrote this. A year ago, I found this website that allows you to send an e-mail to anyone else on a specific date/time in the future.

It's crazy how things have changed.

Randomness on a Spoon

There's a lot of things going through my mind. Not all of which will end up in this late-night blog entry because I have neither the time nor the energy nor the mental capacity to expel all of those tonight.
...
I had a good talk with Drew last Friday. We spent pretty much from 3 til 7:30 just talking about all sorts of stuff. Girls and God, mainly. The two G's. He made some good comments and he's just genuinely fun to hang out with. I hope I get to know that guy even better while I'm here.
...
Talking with Drew made me realize two things: I love my Gainesville people, but I really do miss my guys back home. Also...I think there are a few things I'm pretty much never going to get over and just going to have to live with. So, I guess I should get over getting over them. Ridiculous.
...
There is way more drama in Gainesville than I realized. I thought we left drama behind in middle school. I don't remember Berry being this dramatic.
...
My life should be less of an open book.
...
I need to learn the art of shutting up and talking less.
...
I am an adult now, it's about time I start acting like one.
...
I am not artsy, nor am I sporty, I fit in with neither crowd. Sweet. I'm going to make my own crowd called "People similar to or vaguely wanting to hang out with Matt"
...
The past may be over, but it can haunt you forever. It's still an irrevocable part of who you are. It has helped mold you into the person that you are today.
...
I am a flawed individual. I have come to terms with this. But is it the flaws that make me unique in who I am, or should I try and replace these flaws and fix them with something that is deemed more conducive to living (and loving) well.
...
If I am open and honest with others, I'd like to hope that others will be open and honest with me. It would make things a lot easier, in my mind...but getting us all on the same level is difficult (impossible?) and just ends up hurting people.
...
Sometimes I think things are difficult, but then I realize I am really doing fine compared to others so I shouldn't complain...and then I realize that the comparison doesn't make things seem that much easier, now I just feel bad about complaining.

A New Year; A New Me?

It's finally cold in Florida. I love it.

Yesterday was pretty much a wash. In fact, if someone were to ask me what I did on the 2nd, I'm not sure I could tell them. Not because I was drunk out of my mind or in a parallel universe...those two things would have been much more interesting. Instead, I woke up late after going to bed around 6am, did some stuff around the house, played Sim City 4, and went to bed early. How boring.

I suppose it was just a contrast to the entire awesomeness of the previous few days. Friends getting married, seeing old friends, seeing new friends, combining worlds, having a party of nearly 25 people at my house, enjoying hanging out with people, etc. etc. etc.

I'll be ready to have some scheduled goodness when school starts. I'm glad for a break, but I'll be glad to start back up teaching and I guess learning too, lol.

I had way more interesting things to say, but I'm not sure they are completely formulated. So to finish this out, I'll just sum up some of the last year. Sure, it's cliché...but well, whatever.

January: I had a New Year's Eve Party at my parents' house with most of my closest friends from Atlanta. I had sent out all my grad school applications but had no idea where I would be going or what I'd be doing. Micah and Rachel had just gotten officially together and I pretty much just hung out with Jenni because all my other friends had disappeared in their own worlds. Even though I liked hanging out with her, she really messed with my head.

February: I was still teaching high school French and really enjoying it. Got to know Maggie a bit better and planned my trip to Washington State.

March: I don't remember anything important happening. I probably started my thesis and finished off my portfolio. I slowly began to realize that Grad School was my most probable outcome after graduation

April: I spent my second spring break in Washington State. I got to visit Jamie--whom I hadn't seen for about three years--, his girlfriend Meghan, and Maggie. I had an awesome time, but found out that neither Nintendo nor UW wanted me. My dreams of living in Seattle were squashed. I still love the PNW though. I also came back from Washington really enjoying my time with Maggie and we eventually decided that, if things work out, we could hopefully get to know each other better and start dating. I also made the final decision to move to Gainesville and go to UF

May: Things between Jenni and I got more and more estranged--our friendship was getting weird. Totally confused by her "I act like I like you but I say that I don't" attitude, I started acting like a jerk to try and get her to stop (it made much more sense in my head). I finally graduated and finished with my Berry life forever. Justin and Rebecca got married. And I was OK with the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with Jenni again. Maggie and I discussed me coming up to the midwest to hang out with her and her family.

June: Becca and Cole got married. The first out of my closest friends to get married. I continued to work at my dad's place. I also became a homeowner.

July: I found a roommate for my house. I moved all of my stuff into my house and my dad's car got broken into and had a bunch of important stuff stolen. I went on a little mini-vacation to the Smoky Mountains with my family and then went up to Iowa and Nebraska with Maggie's family. I had a good time up there, but it caused some problems with Maggie's and my relationship.

August: I came back from the midwest with Maggie and we spent some time painting my apartment and hanging out. Eventually our relationship came to an end and she moved off to Miami. It was weird being in a new place and not being able to share all the new thoughts with anyone. Micah was busy with either work or Rachel stuff, Drew and Nicole were getting ready to get married, Michael and Kat are always hard to get a hold of, I really wasn't talking to Jenni anymore, and I had just broken up with Maggie and she wasn't talking to me anymore.

September: I got used to Grad School...and decided I hated it. I got used to the Gainesville crowd though and I am so very blessed to have them around. I did a lot of apologizing and forgiving.

October: Drew and Nicole got married. It was awesome. I got to hang out with some amazing people and see some amazing people get married. It was generally amazing. I also got a mini road trip going up to Kentucky to see them. It was awesome. I also realized I had to suck it up and finish at least this semester....regardless of how much I hated Grad School. I learned that Autumn in Florida sucks. Micah and Rachel started having problems but Micah and I started to renew our relationship. As much as we had our problems at the end of college, I really love that guy.

November: I got to really feel a lot more "in" this group in Gainesville. Had some rough patches in Grad School, but started to get through it. Had Thanksgiving with the family in Saint Pete and got to see UF beat FSU and UW lose to WSU....all in all, not a bad month, though.

December: Finished the first semester of grad school without totally failing, like I almost thought I would. Got to spend some time with the family, see two of the most awesome people get married, and spend some time with old friends that I love and adore. My parents got robbed (*shakes angry fist and says a few choice words*) and I had an awesome New Year's Party.

Goals for next year: Get better at talking with God, Have a more positive outlook on Grad School, Travel more, Love.

November:

Actually, I kind of hate Waffle House

Many thoughts.

I'm a generally pensive kind of guy, but there are these moods I normally get in that are kind of nearly-depressing/emo/serious pensive moods that I get into about once a month or so. I like those moods though. Even though I described them rather unamiably.

Today however, is a bit different. I've just got a bunch of things running through my mind and I'm thinking about a ton of different things...but it's not quite the same. I don't know how to describe that any better....which makes it ridiculous to write in a blog, but that's just the way it is.

I haven't been very good at talking recently, nothing comes out like I want it to. They should just make a way to communicate feelings through a direct internet upload/download system or something. Life would be a lot easier.

---

So Mike and Kat got married this past weekend. I love that couple. I love them...both individually, and as one. I am so blessed and thankful that they are in my life. I kept telling them how excited I was and how I love those two and how awesome it was that they were married...but everytime I said it it never seemed to do justice to what I actually felt. Hurm. Words are ridiculous (which is why I spend all of my time studying them.....irony?)

---

I had a good long talk with Drew at the Bachelor's Party. I'm glad we got to talk. I really didn't get to know him that well until my last two years of college and really my last year of college. But I've really come to love him and Nicole (his wife). It's really kind of a shame that our lives are splitting in so many directions. We're trying to make sure we spend a good amount of time with each other at least once a year.

It was crazy seeing the mass of people at the wedding and pre-wedding festivities that I hadn't seen in ages. So this is what growing up is like. Crazy.

I'm pretty sure that Mike, Drew, and Micah (and their respective spouses/future-spouses) and I should know each other for the rest of our lives and keep in contact. These people are amazing.

---

It's weird that I've traveresed three different worlds in the past three days. Being with my parents and family completely without interaction with the outside world for a few days was good, I do love my family. Then I went and saw all of my best friends from college and my best friend get married to his beautiful and wonderful wife. And it was a kind of surreal experience in many ways. Then I came to Gainesville, my new home, and hung out with nearly everyone I know here and love here.

---

And now, some random thoughts, as that seems to be the trend:
-I talked way too much about emotions in this post, I blame it on the surge of estrogen I've been exposed to in the past few days.

-I definitely need to learn when to stop talking. I have told Mary far too much.

-There are still some things that my mind has not fully found closure on. That bugs me.

-God is ridiculous.

-I've been using the word ridiculous way too much in the past few months.

-I'm not sure how I feel about my party planning being hijacked by my ex-girlfriend. It doesn't really bother me, it just seems weird.

-I need to fly somewhere far away. Just for a bit.

-I'm glad that my electric bill is for the first time under 90$...in fact, a lot less.

-I am not excited to write this paper in the next few days.

-I got a calendar with pictures of Paris and a typography book from Jamie for Christmas. Yes, I'm a dork, but it's totally awesome.

-I also got a lot of practical stuff for Christmas, which is fine by me, I'm glad to get them.

-I was sad that I was not able to be as giving because of financial means this Christmas.

-I am saddened for a friend of mine whom I wish I could be there for more, because I know he needs it.

-I'm trying to learn to have Gainesville be my home...even if it's just a home for right now.

-Love is amazing.

-There are days when I really can't wait to be with the one I'm going to marry. And there are others where I think it's probably never going to happen. I've been doing better at thinking less.

-Still a lot of unanswered questions. I think most of these will probably stay that way until the Big Guy decides to let us all in on His secrets.

-I miss my old church...or what I nostalgically remember my old church being when I was younger.

-Love is hard.

-This post is way too long and scattered (smothered, covered, and capped).

The directions this blog entry will go in are astounding...

I guess I still harbor some resentment.

I didn't really think I did. And it's really not a big deal. It could be much worse. I just hadn't really thought about it for a while.

---

I wish there was a way to suck out all of your thoughts so you could attain some sort of 'inner peace' for just a few minutes or an hour, maybe. Although, it probably wouldn't be as nice as it sounds. And anyway, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the absence of thoughts because you had no thoughts to remember that absence....oh the paradoxes...

---

I'm going home tomorrow. Haven't been home in a while. I'll enjoy being with my family and relaxing. Even though my mom had to go out and buy all our presents again ::mumbles something inappropriate:: and even though I have to rewrite an entire 15 page French essay during that time, I'm still going to enjoy this.

---

Mike and Kat get married in like ten days. It's got to be a crazy-nervous-anxious-exciting time for them. I know I would be. I'm really excited for them, I know they've been waiting for this for a long time.

---

I love that my friends are getting married and going off and having their own lives. It's exciting and new and awesome. I guess It's sort of selfish, but even though I'm excited for them, it makes me sad a little bit. It's the end of an era. They have left the realms of singlehood where they were able to just think about themselves and not have two brains making one decision (if that makes sense). So, in the same way, my relationship with them will change. I mean, not drastically, we're still going to be good friends--and I am still good friends with my other married friends--but it's a different kind of friendship and such...and you can't ever get that back.
All that to say, I'm still very excited for my friends and even though our relationships will change to some degree, that's kind of the way life goes, so yeah...

---

I will now list random thoughts going through my head right now (because there are oh-so-many):
--I just found the song "Let's Dance To Joy Division" by The Wombats. It's pretty cool. You should check it out.
--I am tired of thinking about women. Not that I want to change to thinking about men, lol.
--I can't decide what direction God wants me to go in.
--I hate that money is so important for living.
--Why am I getting a degree in something ridiculous?
--Living in the world without being of it is hard.
--I miss being in love. I think I forgot what it was like.
--Have I actually ever really been in love? Maybe not. Who knows.
--What is love? (Baby don't hurt me.)
--I still have a lot of packing to do (read: all of it)
--Part of me wishes I was easier at cutting ties with people.
--What is an adult, anyway?
--I've lost 20 pounds this semester. I don't feel like I have though.
--I hate that I have to write a paper over this break.
--I hate that making a choice in life is leaving behind all of the other options to never see them again. I've never been good with decisions. I want to try everything. This is a problem.
--I should get a better sleep pattern, but I don't really want to. (Hence why I am wide awake ad 12:15 and probably will be til 3 or 4 am)
--I should make this list end soon or people will stop reading this entry. (Why do I care if people read this?)